Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Postponed to Adar


Well, time has not permitted me to launch yet, and I have lots to do in the real world that keeps me away from this blog.

I will launch it as Yenteyachne.com around Rosh Chodesh Adar 5773 barring any interesting news that would compel me tolaunch it earlier.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Yenteyachne.com and the Indoor Plumbing Asifa


Thanks to a very maladroit speaker at the real Internet asifa, I now have a new and official name for my blog - Yenteyachne.com. I will probably link it to a new Blogger address unless I can recast this one. I had a connection problem yesterday and have to catch up on "real" stuff before I can get around to this.

Yenteyachne.com will go a little further than I planned to go with Gruber Ferd. While it will in no way endorse compromising real Torah standards, it will point out, with humor, parody and satire, how we will end up losing everyone if we don't find leaders who are a bit less than 100 years behind the times. Of course, I will lampoon every machloikes everywhere, and I will not hesitate to shame those who need to be shamed, even if I can't mention actual names.

I will try to launch right after Shavuos with amazing news - the Vaad haNarronim actually ENDORSED indoor plumbing at the asifa - with several ground rules!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Indoor Plumbing Asifa - Monday Night


On Tuesday morning, Der Gruber Ferd will present EXCLUSIVE coverage of the "Indoor Plumbing Asifa," which will take place on Monday night in the outhouse of the American Standard Stadium in Hicksville, New York.

Find out how you can spare yourself and your family from the threats and evils of the latest maaseh Soton, indoor plumbing!

A Vertel from Unzerer Sponsor


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We now have a special Mesarev Get package. We'll proclaim you dead and stage a funeral for you in the Neturei Karta chelek of the Ramallah beis almin, and then we'll produce a certificate showing you had no assets except our $10,000 "Your Life Ain't Worth the Beans in Your Cholent" policy. We'll then produce a claim against that policy so your ex-wife gets nothing. Meanwhile, you'll have left the country and she'll be crying in her empty soup bowl every Shabbos while you enjoy a new life in the steamy tropics.

Our "Defaulters' Delight" policy works on the same exalted principle as our Mesarev Get package. We'll notify every one of your creditors that you're dead, and that all they have to fight over is our special $2,000 "Bare Bagel Holes" policy.

Of course, if you want to insure your soon to be ex-wife or your business partner for millions, we're here for that too. We only take 20 per cent to make sure our insured parties disappear, and that leaves you with more than enough to start all over again anywhere in the world.

All of our policies are re-insured with an investment fund whose members can easily be found fantasizing all morning before the 11:00 minyan in Shomrei Soidos in Schnooro Park or putting together investment packages during the coffee break at the Beis Medrash d' Fort Dix.

Remember - when all else fails - just peyger!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

The Return of a Crushed Lion


Many months of drought had decimated the part of Africa that is now known as Kenya when all of a sudden torrential rains began to fall. An older lion of decrepit appearance emerged from his lair, ready to pounce on anything that looked even remotely edible.

He saw two choices - a hippopotamus calf, a bit of a challenge for him even had he been young and strong, and a scrawny boy, hiding on a low branch of a tree.

The big cat lunged at the far larger hippopotamus, and the feline's demise came about quite swiftly when the hippo summarily crushed him with one paw.

The boy, a coward by nature, and clumsy to boot, fell off the tree trying to climb to a higher branch in order to avoid the lion. He fell on his head, so there was very little damage. With the lion gone, he was safe, and eventually Muslim slave traders found him and traveled around with him before they realized he was not even fit for slavery. They did, however, indoctrinate him with the bloody creed of Islam, the faith according to which he would eventually raise his children.

The lion was taken to the beis din shel maala, where a bas kol cried out: "I know you are a lion and I know how I created you! Still, you were foolish enough to attempt to eat that hippopotamus when I left you a perfect snack. That is why I had him crush you rather than letting you regain your health so you could live for a few more years. Had you eaten that little boy, the world would have been spared four years of misery. I will therefore send you back to the earth in another gilgul many years later so you can see what that boy's descendant does to the world!"

The boy's name was Mongoabamba, which was shortened to Obama, a word which has the same connotation as a certain Yiddish word that is associated with Jackie Mason. Even a complete schmuck with a Certificate of Functional Illiteracy from the Detroit Department of Public Schools (or its haimishe equivalent, a diploma from Yeshivas Cherem veKanois) can figure out whose ancestor he was.

Three generations later, the old lion was sent back into this world as a third-generation American welfare recipient. His life is not too much unlike his former life as a lion. He steals just about anything that isn't tied down, fathers a few children out of wedlock with different mothers every year, and spends 20 hours of every day sleeping in front of a TV.

Sponsored by: "Debbie Drays Division St." starring Pearlperry Reich and Luzer Twersky. A failed wannabe writer named Debbie Friedkop visits Williamsburgh, where she supposedly grew up, and tries to dray everyone with a string of sordid and exaggerated tales of her childhood in a community to which it isn't clear that she ever belonged. Even a well known Internet nudnik, Schmendrick Rosenzweig, does not believe her and exposes her for the liar that she is. Backed by the same kind of team that brought you Springtime for Yemach Shmoi in Daitschland, this movie is bound to put you to sleep. 165,000 percent of the shares in the production company have sold and 200,000 additional percent are available but there is no trailer and no release date planned as of yet. Endorsed by Rabbis Samet, Jacobowitz and Ben Haim of the Otisville Beis Din. Release date could coincide with that of Morynee veRabynee Sholam Weiss.

Friday, May 11, 2012

The Spirit of Creedmoor Returns


Gruber Ferd takes over where Creedmoor left off - blowing every machloikes out of proportion and turning it on its ugly head to show how ridiculous and laughable machloikes is. While Creedmoor was mostly a parody of excesses in "piety" as well as overemphasis on gashmius, this new blog from the editor of Der Shygetz magazine, Di Cholere women's supplement, Der Griber Ying magazine for budding Otisvillers, Der Oisvorf for making sure our confused youth stay that way, and, of course, the Creedmoor Chronicles, will concentrate on current events connected to machloikes.

No community will be immune, but no community will be named specifically either, and only individuals who are clearly "mechutz lamachane" will merit to have their names mentioned here. Information will be based on the contents of news and "opinion" blogs in or related to the frum community, but no actual events or issues will be covered and if a blog is referred to it will be referred to with a twisted version of its title.

I will probably update this every Friday or Sunday with a series of short posts, although the first two weeks or so will be erratic as I fill the blog with starter posts. You are encouraged to post comments, but be forewarned - whereas other blogs are accused of using shill accounts to post comments, we shill with pride! You'll never really know if you're arguing or agreeing with a fellow poster or another personality from the old Creedmoorer stables!

So, welcome to Der Gruber Ferd (yes, I know it should be griber but remember, we spare no one here, Ingarisch or otherwise.)

We are proudly sponsored by:

 Feivel's Food Shtemp Household and Electronics Center, corner of 13th Avenue and Ditmas Road somewhere between Schnorro Park and Kensingon - featuring the new iPhone 6, straight fin di shiffel fin China, far nor 699 Obama Chessed Dollars, I mean food-shtempelach!

Shvache Meat and Meat By-Products, Route 59, Ir haKoidesh Monsey, near where they will never build the new Walmart, on the road to Circular Square, where you can get real, fresh gruber ferd and even shmutziger chozzer meat for your cholent at prices that can't be beat. We sell no kosher products whatsoever, but we have a fine selection of labels printed with hechsherim for every taste, budget and level of observance. Our specialty is chozzer fisselach!