Saturday, May 12, 2012

The Return of a Crushed Lion

BS"D

Many months of drought had decimated the part of Africa that is now known as Kenya when all of a sudden torrential rains began to fall. An older lion of decrepit appearance emerged from his lair, ready to pounce on anything that looked even remotely edible.

He saw two choices - a hippopotamus calf, a bit of a challenge for him even had he been young and strong, and a scrawny boy, hiding on a low branch of a tree.

The big cat lunged at the far larger hippopotamus, and the feline's demise came about quite swiftly when the hippo summarily crushed him with one paw.

The boy, a coward by nature, and clumsy to boot, fell off the tree trying to climb to a higher branch in order to avoid the lion. He fell on his head, so there was very little damage. With the lion gone, he was safe, and eventually Muslim slave traders found him and traveled around with him before they realized he was not even fit for slavery. They did, however, indoctrinate him with the bloody creed of Islam, the faith according to which he would eventually raise his children.

The lion was taken to the beis din shel maala, where a bas kol cried out: "I know you are a lion and I know how I created you! Still, you were foolish enough to attempt to eat that hippopotamus when I left you a perfect snack. That is why I had him crush you rather than letting you regain your health so you could live for a few more years. Had you eaten that little boy, the world would have been spared four years of misery. I will therefore send you back to the earth in another gilgul many years later so you can see what that boy's descendant does to the world!"

The boy's name was Mongoabamba, which was shortened to Obama, a word which has the same connotation as a certain Yiddish word that is associated with Jackie Mason. Even a complete schmuck with a Certificate of Functional Illiteracy from the Detroit Department of Public Schools (or its haimishe equivalent, a diploma from Yeshivas Cherem veKanois) can figure out whose ancestor he was.

Three generations later, the old lion was sent back into this world as a third-generation American welfare recipient. His life is not too much unlike his former life as a lion. He steals just about anything that isn't tied down, fathers a few children out of wedlock with different mothers every year, and spends 20 hours of every day sleeping in front of a TV.

Sponsored by: "Debbie Drays Division St." starring Pearlperry Reich and Luzer Twersky. A failed wannabe writer named Debbie Friedkop visits Williamsburgh, where she supposedly grew up, and tries to dray everyone with a string of sordid and exaggerated tales of her childhood in a community to which it isn't clear that she ever belonged. Even a well known Internet nudnik, Schmendrick Rosenzweig, does not believe her and exposes her for the liar that she is. Backed by the same kind of team that brought you Springtime for Yemach Shmoi in Daitschland, this movie is bound to put you to sleep. 165,000 percent of the shares in the production company have sold and 200,000 additional percent are available but there is no trailer and no release date planned as of yet. Endorsed by Rabbis Samet, Jacobowitz and Ben Haim of the Otisville Beis Din. Release date could coincide with that of Morynee veRabynee Sholam Weiss.

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