Sunday, May 20, 2012

A Vertel from Unzerer Sponsor

LS"D

Do you need a life insurance policy that pays you even when you're still alive? Do you need to claim death in order to escape judgments, prison sentences, giving your ex-wife a get, or having your loved ones dedicate something in your memory while you're still alive to enjoy it?

S.T.D. Peyger Insurance Associates is a Life Insurance Broker and Adjuster, unduly registered in the Bermuda Triangle. We sell insurance policies even for high-risk clients, and we are licensed to issue our very own death certificates. Shmuel Tuvia Peyger and his son Dovid have helped thousands of clients nifter zayn for insurance and legal purposes. They make it easy to pull off that perfect swindle and spend the rest of your life learning in a sunny beach koilel in Rio de Janeiro.

We now have a special Mesarev Get package. We'll proclaim you dead and stage a funeral for you in the Neturei Karta chelek of the Ramallah beis almin, and then we'll produce a certificate showing you had no assets except our $10,000 "Your Life Ain't Worth the Beans in Your Cholent" policy. We'll then produce a claim against that policy so your ex-wife gets nothing. Meanwhile, you'll have left the country and she'll be crying in her empty soup bowl every Shabbos while you enjoy a new life in the steamy tropics.

Our "Defaulters' Delight" policy works on the same exalted principle as our Mesarev Get package. We'll notify every one of your creditors that you're dead, and that all they have to fight over is our special $2,000 "Bare Bagel Holes" policy.

Of course, if you want to insure your soon to be ex-wife or your business partner for millions, we're here for that too. We only take 20 per cent to make sure our insured parties disappear, and that leaves you with more than enough to start all over again anywhere in the world.

All of our policies are re-insured with an investment fund whose members can easily be found fantasizing all morning before the 11:00 minyan in Shomrei Soidos in Schnooro Park or putting together investment packages during the coffee break at the Beis Medrash d' Fort Dix.

Remember - when all else fails - just peyger!



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